When the Abuser Controls the Story: The Hidden Pain Survivors Face After Leaving

When people think about a survivor leaving abuse, many imagine it as the moment everything gets better. People picture the survivor finally free. Safe. Starting over. Away from the problems. But what people don’t realize is that leaving can begin an entirely new kind of battle.

The battle in the new home, facing the silence and the fear of being alone. The battle in the courtroom, trying to prove what happened, facing stares from your abuser. The battle of hearing what others have to say, not knowing the full story of abuse that you endured in the darkness.

It’s the battle over the story.

And far too often, the abuser tells it first and tells it loudly.

When the Narrative Is Stolen

Abuse is about power and control. That control doesn’t always end when the survivor leaves. Within our day to day work at The Hiding Place, we see this truth all too well.

Many abusers immediately begin shaping the narrative around the separation. Many times they present themselves as the victim, creating a story that appeals to their “strength” and “patience”. So often, survivors who call our hotline state that they have been called unstable, dramatic, unfaithful, or hateful. Sometimes these survivors call from a mental health facility that they have been placed in.

Often times, abusers go straight to those who may support the survivor— friends, family members, church communities, or coworkers— telling them a carefully crafted version of the “story”.

When this occurs, it leaves the survivor even more harmed and isolated than the abuser left them feeling. After facing exhaustion, trauma, and an intense strive for survival, survivors often aren’t telling their side of the story loudly — or at all. It’s hard to share a story of so much pain and heartache. Survivors don’t scream their horrors out from the rooftops.

By the time the survivor begins to speak, weeks, months or even years after the separation, many people have already decided what they believe and unfortunately, who they believe.

For survivors, this can feel like losing their voice all over again. This loss hurts deeply because often times, the survivor realizes people that she has lost in her life. The abuser gets the opportunity to steal more from her and the pain can be debilitating.

The Pain of Not Being Believed

Writing this brings up so much emotion because even so many years out, I still face this pain when I learn of someone who doesn’t believe what I’ve endured. One of the most devastating parts of leaving abuse is discovering that some people will believe your abuser. Some people who you love, have had long relationships with, or people you even introduced the abuser to.

These are not strangers. These are people who knew you, people who watched your life, people who once cared.

This is a second layer of trauma for survivors. Abuse already teaches survivors that their reality will be questioned. Survivors have lived being told they are crazy and that people won’t believe them. When people in the community repeat that pattern, it reinforces the same harm survivors fought so hard to escape, leaving them feeling trapped again.

Why should survivors have to face another battle? Why should survivors have to defend their truth, their story, the story they endured?

Why Abusers Often Appear Convincing

Narratives can spread quickly and easily, like wildfire. Abusers are often skilled at perfecting their public image, appearing to be a trusting gentleman. In fact, abusers can maintain a positive reputation as a part of their control tactics.

So often abusers seem to be charming, well-respected, generous in public, involved in community or church spaces.. “He’s the type of guy that would give the shirt off his back to someone”.

To outsiders, they may feel shocked to hear that this person is an abuser. They may feel shocked at this “unbelievable” news, but survivors know something the outside world often doesn’t: abuse rarely happens in front of witnesses. Most abuse happens behind closed doors, in patterns of intimidation, manipulation, and control that are almost impossible to prove to someone who hasn’t lived it. And even harder to prove to someone who doesn’t want to believe it.

Silence Doesn’t Mean the Story Is False

Another painful reality survivors face is this: many cannot tell their full story.

Some are navigating custody battles or legal systems where speaking publicly could harm their case.
Some are protecting their children.
Some are still afraid of retaliation.
Some are simply trying to rebuild their nervous system and survive day by day.

So they stay quiet. And unfortunately, silence is often misinterpreted. People assume that if the survivor isn’t speaking up, the accusations must not be true. But the truth is that survival sometimes requires silence.

Not because the story is untrue. But because the cost of speaking is still too high.

What Survivors Actually Need From Their Community

When a survivor leaves abuse, one of the most powerful things a community can do is pause before choosing sides. You may never see the full picture. You may hear conflicting stories. But supporting survivors does not require you to become a judge or investigator. It simply requires compassion and humility. It requires you simply believing them.

Instead of asking “Who is telling the truth?” we can begin asking better questions:

What is my business and should I really be making a judgement about something I have no clue about? What if there is more to this story than I can see?
What if someone is carrying pain I don’t fully understand?
What if my role is not to decide — but to support safety and healing?

Communities can either be safe spaces, or not. One choice is commendable, the other is not.

A Personal Reflection

As someone who has survived abuse myself, I know how deeply this dynamic cuts. Leaving was not the end of the story. In many ways, it was the beginning of a new fight — one where I had to learn how to hold onto my truth even when others didn’t understand it or want to believe it. I have lost people that I thought I would never lose. I have cried too many tears to count due to these losses. I have heard so many lies and rumors about my story that my skin has grown so tough, I am not sure anything else could be speared through it. At this point, I am personally so tired of seeing the pain that survivors are enduring post-abuse because of the judgment of other people. People who never spoke opinions or offered care when the abuse was actually occuring.

The experience I faced, even post-abuse, shaped the heart of the work we do at The Hiding Place. Because survivors don’t just need a place to sleep. They need safe spaces where their reality isn’t questioned, minimized, or debated. Where shame isn’t welcome. Where judgment is left at the door. They need safe spaces where they can begin to rebuild trust in themselves and in the world around them and unfortunately, the world doesn’t offer very many of these spaces. The Hiding Place is committed to creating them and protecting them.

The Truth About Healing

Healing post-abuse isn’t a snap of the finger fix. It doesn’t just cut off like a light switch. Healing post-abuse is about reclaiming your voice. It’s about learning that your story belongs to you — even if others don’t believe it. Lies and mistruths cannot touch you if you stand strong, reminding yourself what you endured and how much bravery it took to flee from it.

We have to work towards building communities where survivors no longer have to fight to be believed. Leaving abuse is one of the bravest things a person can do. The least we can do, as a community, is make sure they don’t have to defend their survival afterward.

Be the one who believes.

Yours truly,

Breann Griffin, Co-Founder and Co-Executive Director of The Hiding Place

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