How Domestic Violence Impacts Children: The Wounds We Don’t Always See

When we talk about domestic violence, the focus is often on the survivor and their journey. However, we must remember and recognize the silent witnesses who are sometimes in the room. These witnesses are children.

And even though children within the home may not be the direct target of the abuse, they are deeply affected by it.

Domestic violence doesn’t just happen around children— it happens within them.

Children Don’t Have to See It to Feel It

When it comes to domestic violence, there are so many myths and untruths that are often blindly believed. One of the most harmful myths is: “If the children don’t see it, they’re okay.”

This is such an untruth because children do not have to witness the violence to be impacted by it. Children are observers and they understand more than we often realize. Looking at a child witness' experience as "exposure" expands the impact for those who may not have visually seen the abuse but heard it or were affected second-hand.

Children hear the tension in voices.
Children feel the shift in energy within the room or the home.
Children notice fear, silence, and walking on eggshells.

They learn very quickly:

• When it’s safe to speak

• When it’s better to stay quiet

• Who is safe and who is not

• Who they can trust and who they cannot

Living this way isn’t childhood. It is a clear picture of adaptation to trauma.

How It Shows Up in Children

1 in 15 children are exposed to intimate partner violence each year, and 90% of these children are eyewitnesses to this violence. The effects of domestic violence in children can look different depending on their age—but the impact is crucial across every stage. What looks like “behavior problems” is often a child trying to process something too big for them to understand. Overall, it is important to recognize that children who witness domestic violence or are victims of abuse themselves are at serious risk for long-term physical and mental health problems.

Emotional Impact

• Anxiety or constant worry

• Fear of abandonment

• Guilt (believing they are the cause of the conflict)

• Depression or emotional numbness

Behavioral Impact

• Aggression or acting out

• Withdrawal or isolation

• Difficulty in school and social activities

• Trouble trusting others

Physical & Developmental Impact

• Sleep disturbances or nightmares

• Regression (bedwetting, clinginess)

• Difficulty concentrating

• Difficulty showing emotion

• Delays in development

  • Children who have witnessed domestic violence have 40% lower reading levels than other children their age

The Nervous System Learns Survival First

Children growing up in domestic violence don’t learn safety first. They learn survival first.

Their nervous system becomes wired to:

• Stay alert

• Anticipate danger

• React quickly to emotional shifts

This can follow them into adulthood, showing up as:

• Anxiety in safe environments

• Difficulty relaxing

• Normalizing unhealthy dynamics

• Have difficulty setting boundaries

• Experience ongoing mental health challenges

• Hyper-independence

• People-pleasing or conflict avoidance

• A greater risk of cycle repetition

Their bodies remember what their minds couldn’t fully process at the age they witnessed the violence.

They Carry What They Were Never Meant to Carry

Many children in these environments take on roles they were never meant to hold.

They become:

• The protector

• The peacekeeper

• The “easy” child

• The emotional support for a parent

Children are not meant to carry adult burdens. Children deserve to enjoy their childhood experiences without the stress of managing the emotions of adults or the dynamics of the unhealthy home. Carrying adult burdens often comes at the cost of the child’s own identity, safety, and development.

Leaving Is Not Breaking the Family — It’s Where Healing Begins

One of the most painful questions survivors ask is (and we hear it so often):

“Am I hurting my children more by leaving… or by staying?”

There is a deep belief in our culture that children need two parents in the home to be whole. The shame of “breaking a family” is such a heavy weight for a survivor to carry on their shoulders.

The key fact is that children need safety.

A home with two parents is not automatically a healthy home.

Staying in an environment where there is fear, control, or harm does not protect children—it teaches them that love means hurt and pain. Leaving, on the other hand, teaches something entirely different. It teaches them that their safety matters, boundaries are allowed and love does not require suffering.

A survivor who leaves with her children is not destroying or breaking a family. She is protecting it and teaching her children what true, safe love looks like.

She is creating a safe space, a space that was not possible before.

This is the space where healing begins.

Healing Is Possible

Children are incredibly resilient—especially when they are given:

• Safe, stable spaces

• Consistent & healthy emotional support

• Space to express and process their feelings

• Trauma-informed care and support

• Positive examples to learn from

Healing doesn’t mean forgetting what happened.

It means learning:

• “What happened to me was not my fault.”

• “I am in a safe space now.”

• “I am allowed to feel my feelings, speak out my thoughts, ask hard questions and exist fully without fear.”

When a parent chooses safety, they are not just leaving something harmful behind— They are building something new. A new life for them and their children.

A life where:

• Peace is not unfamiliar

• Love is not confusing or chaotic

• Home does not feel like something to survive

• No one has to walk on eggshells

Leaving may feel like the breaking point… but it doesn’t lead to the breaking of a family. Children do not need a picture-perfect family. They need a safe one— and a place where healing is finally allowed to begin.

Domestic violence is not just an adult issue. It is a generational issue.

And when we support survivors, we are also supporting the breaking of cycles, the rewriting of stories and the elimination of the stigma behind survivors and their children being “broken families”.

Every child deserves a childhood and home where peace is normal… not something they have to survive and recover from.

Signed: Breann Griffin, Co-Founder and Co-Executive Director of The Hiding Place

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Sources:

Black, T., Fallon, B., Nikolova, K., Tarshis, S., Baird, S., and Carradine, J. (2020). Exploring subtypes of children's exposure to intimate partner violence. Children and Youth Services Review. 118.

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. (2023). Statistics.

SafeShores. (2020). Domestic violence impacts the entire family. SafeShores The DC Children's Advocacy Center.